[Fanfiction] Who Will Fix My Broken Heart?

[aragarna]

Title: Who Will Fix My Broken Heart?
Author: Aragarna
Genre, rating: gen, emotional H/C, angst, episode tag, g.
Characters: Peter, Elizabeth (canon Peter/El)
Spoilers: 5x09
Words: ~ 1000
Summary: Tag to episode 5x09. What does this say about me if I let this go? It says that you’re a man who stays and fixes what’s broken.
Author's Note: Not exactly Christmas fluff... Not my fault if the show's timing is so bad. I'm supposed to be working on my fandom stockings, but I had to write this. Happy end of year and whatever you're celebrating! :-)

_____________________

Who Will Fix my Broken Heart?

What does this say about me if I let this go?
It says that you’re a man who stays and fixes what’s broken.

I need to be able to live with myself.

-----------------------------

Peter lets the hot water run down his body, as if it could wash all the dirt inside him. He feels stained, and all the water of the world would never be enough to make him clean again. He is a fraud, cleared by fake evidence and a corrupted judge paid by the loot of a theft. His last case as a field agent. I did it for you! Why should we lose everything? Thoughts and words are tumbling out in his mind, and Peter feels lost. He doesn’t know what to do, can’t find any way out. There is no way to make it right.

Peter swallows the lump in his throat. He had so much wanted to believe Neal had done things right, that he had been a good influence on the young man, that he was showing him the path to the right side of the law. I made sure Justice was served. Of course, Neal meant well, there was no doubt, but at the same time, it was so wrong. You don’t serve Justice by corrupting its system.

Peter is terrified. Terrified of what this means, what he has become.
If he accepts the deal, he is no better than any of those criminals he takes so much pride of arresting. A dirty cop, that’s what he is now.
But if he exposes everything, there’s little doubt Peter’s trial would go against him. Who would believe in his innocence after this? He’ll go down with Dawson, with a clear conscience as a federal agent, but a hell of a guilty one as a husband. Elizabeth doesn’t deserve any of this, especially after everything they have already been through because of him.

Of course, Neal would go down too. And with the added Welsh gold theft and the bribery, it would be for a long, long time. Peter had been this close to arrest him. He had taken his handcuffs out, the teeth feeling hard and sharp against his thumb. But despite the proven crimes, despite the betrayal Peter has felt hearing Neal’s guilty confession, he couldn’t do it. Neal had simply held his hands out, resigned, wounded. I’ll do the time. How can you cuff someone for caring too much about you?
If someone had to go down for all this, it should be James, not Neal. He shouldn’t have to pay for the sins of his father.

Peter sighs. It hurts too much to think about Neal. He used to believe in the beauty of their friendship. Gotham City’s famous cop and robber, Kramer had called them, and Peter had taken pride in these words… He doesn’t know what to think of it anymore. They’re too close, and it’s becoming toxic to the both of them. They’re dragging each other down. Maybe, for their own sake, they should take their distance. Peter knows that it would be the right thing to do, even though he doesn’t want to. He’s scared that Neal would never forgive him.

He’s failed. He’s failed everyone, and everything. Neal, Elizabeth, the System, his own principles. How did they all end there? Peter doesn’t know how to fix it, make things right.  One way or another, someone will have to pay, and it can’t be Elizabeth, or Neal. He’ll do what he has to do. Protect them.

Finally, Peter turns the water off, and gets out of the shower. He quickly dries his body and hair and slides in a clean t-shirt and pajama bottom. His heart hurts, broken, in his chest.

-----------------------------

In the bedroom, all the lights are switched off. Elizabeth is already in bed, nestled under the cover on her side of the bed, her back turned on him. Peter tiptoes in the relative darkness and slides under the sheets. He reaches out to El, wrapping an arm around her waist, but she pushes him away and moves closer to the edge of the bed.

What remains of Peter’s heart shatters into pieces and he can’t suppress a noisy sob as he tugs his face in his pillow. A sudden flow of tears runs down his face to the pillow and his body is shaken by irrepressible sobs. He feels El turning around in the bed and her hand strokes the back of his hair, her thumb softly brushing his ear. Looking up, Peter sees the distress in her shinny eyes. He bits his lips and takes a few forced breathes to regain some control over his tears.

“I’m sorry, hon,” he finally manages to say in a shaky whisper.

Tears are now falling down El’s eyes too, which only makes Peter more miserable. Elizabeth’s pain is something he will never be able to bear.  He reads in her eyes concern for his own pain. As she breaths heavily, he knows she’s about to concede a point to make him feel better. Gently, Peter brushes her tears off her cheeks and puts a finger on her lips before she can talk.

“I’m sorry,” he repeats softly. “I said I needed to be able to live with myself. The truth is, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I’d do anything that would hurt you. I’m sorry I wasn’t listening to you. I’m just… lost. Scared. I feel like I’m losing myself. But you’re more important to me than anything else in the world.”

Elizabeth pulls herself closer and buries her face in his chest.

“I need you, Peter,” she says in a breath. “I can’t lose you, I can’t…”

Peter puts his arm around her. “I’ll find a solution, I promise. I’ll protect you, us. I’m not going anywhere. We will never be separated ever again.” He hugs her a little tighter in his embrace. “I love you.”

Elizabeth looks up at him, her eyes are still wet, but the tears have stopped. A small reassured smile appears on her lips. She kisses him softly before burying her head back in his shoulder. They remain still, arms and legs entangled, as their breaths gradually even out. Elizabeth continues to caress the small of his neck as Peter gently rubs her back.

“You are a good man with a beautiful heart, Peter Burke,” Elizabeth murmurs. “Don’t ever forget that.”

FIN.

Comments

[elrhiarhodan]

Gorgeous and painful. Thank you for sharing this.

[aragarna.livejournal.com]

Thanks. :-)

[dennih23.livejournal.com]

I love your insights on what Peter is thinking. He has so much compassion and always wants to do the right thing. I am sure his decision was difficult for him but he loves El and cares for Neal so much he really only had this choice.

[aragarna.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :)
Yes, he didn't really have any other choices. But it tells a lot about him, that it morally cost him.

[nieseryjna.livejournal.com]

Ow, ow my heart, that was too painful. The whole episode was painful and this is an excellent tag, wonderful job.

[aragarna.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Yes, that was painful! And the more I think about it, the more multi-layered I find this whole terrible situation.

[leesa_perrie]

Love your insights into Peter's thoughts and the battle going on inside him. Wonderfully done!

[aragarna.livejournal.com]

Thank you :-)

[kerrylang.livejournal.com]

Hurtful and sweet. They'll come around, soon, and Peter will see that everything will be fine again.

Thanks for this. The emotions in this had me almost crying. I feel with them all, Peter and Neal and Elizabeth, they need to be happy again - hopefully before the season ends.

Edit: Wonderful manip for this story!!! :)

[aragarna.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Yes, they need to be happy again, and we need them to be happy, too! ;-)

[kanarek13]

Awww, heartbreaking in all the right ways. And so Peter. This situation is so tragic for both of the boys.

Wonderfully done. Thanks for sharing :D

[aragarna.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Yes, the more I watch those scenes, the more horrible the situation seems. For everyone.
This season has been quite surprising, and I have no idea where we're going.

[anodyneer]

Beautiful - thank you for this!

I can so see Peter thinking these thoughts about the whole situation. This is a great look into what he was thinking and what this is doing to him.

I also love that you brought in that Peter's scared and that he thinks he's failed, because this seems so like him. He tries to put up a gruff exterior, but under that, he's devastated right now.

[aragarna.livejournal.com]

Thank you!! :-)
Yes, I think that compromise cost him more than anyone is seeing, neither Neal, nor El.

[sholio]

Oh, poor Peter. I think this is an excellent look at his thoughts and emotions in the episode, especially his feelings of responsibility for what happened, and the part where he started crying just broke me. Poor everyone, caught in this terrible situation. :(

[aragarna.livejournal.com]

Thank you! :-)
Yes, this is terrible for everyone. They all need big hugs! (and they would probably need to seriously talk, too)

[cimmerdeux.livejournal.com]

Thank you; so many people are blaming Peter for his attitude towards Neal but Peter is at his essence a believer in the Law and Justice and he's just found out that it was Crime that saved him. I can see both sides though: Peter and El knew or should have known exactly what they were getting into when the invited Neal into their lives. He's not a puppy or a wayward child, he's a full grown con man with a long criminal history and a good if larcenous heart so it's a bit of 'buyer beware'. OTH, Neal knows darn well how Peter feels about things so to act like a kicked puppy when Peter calls calls it like it is, well that's a touch naive on Neal's part. Neal and Mozzie have turned Peter and El's life upside down since the beginning and I think Peter (and El) have been very forgiving. Still perhaps it will help Peter to remember that in a way, what Neal's done for him was no different than Peter giving Neal the nod to run. Sometimes Justice isn't between the pages of a law book, it exists out in the 'wild' so to speak and Justice is more important than the Law. I hope the boys find each other and Peter doesn't do something stupid. Thanks.

[aragarna.livejournal.com]

Yes, it makes me sad that so many people refuse to see things from Peter's point of view. Given who he is, someone who breath law and order - and even more than that, moral and justice, it has to be horrible to have been put in that impossible situation.
I think the core of the problem for Peter is that Neal's actions had repercussions on him, as a person. I think Peter tries to live up to high standards, to serve justice and the system. He believes in all this, and he believes he has to be a good guy.
To a certain degree, he can accept that Neal breaks the law, but he can't accept the same things for himself. Peter cannot accept being the accomplice of a theft, bribery and he can't let that judge corrupt the system. His duty is to restore order and protect the system, but here he's been unwillingly pun in a situation that only created corruption and chaos.

I don't think Peter is at all "by the book". He's covered for Neal when he thought it wouldn't be fair for Neal to pay. He's certainly opposed Kramer, and he did tell Neal to run. But when he does all this, Peter believes firmly that he is doing the right thing, morally. This is still serving justice. And he always takes responsibility for his actions then.

But here, Neal made him cross a line he wouldn't have accepted to cross. Yes, Peter was cleared, but not in a way that restored order.

[morganslady.livejournal.com]

So sad:( But a great story.

[aragarna.livejournal.com]

thanks!

[ocmiss.livejournal.com]

Beautiful story, peter's insight feels right on: the conflict/battle inside him between doing the right thing and protecting the people he cares about.
I wish you would continue this, see what's your take on it :)
Happy holidays none the less ! :D

[aragarna.livejournal.com]

Thank you!
And happy holidays to you too! :-)

[palombaggia.livejournal.com]

beautiful story ara.
Peter's angst is completely palpable and very realistic
He will find a way, no doubt, to solve all this MESS!
Kisses and happy holidays to you!

[aragarna.livejournal.com]

Thank you!! :-)

[lov-pb.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad you wrote this! Your description of Peter's anguish and search to find a way out of an emotional minefield was heartbreaking. Elizabeth, amid her fear and anger, still recognizes the virtue of her husband's character.

[aragarna.livejournal.com]

Thank you!
Yes, it also has to be a difficult situation for El. Because she cares for Peter, for who he is, but she also needs him.

[teaboyfan.livejournal.com]

This was a very insightful analysis of the awful no-win situation Peter is in. If he admits to what happened, he and Elizabeth and Neal will all be devastated; if he lets it slide, he has abandoned his basic belief in justice. But of course he's been going down that slippery slope without realizing it for a long time, most obviously when he stole the surveillance tape in Vital Signs. But what he decides now will have repercussions for the rest of his life, and for Elizabeth and Neal too. Very profound description.

[aragarna.livejournal.com]

Thank you!
Yes, he's been on that slippery slope for a while, but he still was on the right side of moral and justice. Stealing the tape was to protect Neal, it didn't hurt the system. In the end he still brought the bad guys to justice. Here, to me, the big difference is that Peter has been made against his own will accomplice of theft and bribery for his own profit, and there's a corrupted judge corrupting the system. If he lets this go, the system he is supposed to serve is in danger. And if he doesn't do anything about it, he becomes part of the corruption of the system. For the FBI agent in him (and that's a big part of him), that's a terrible moral dilemna.

[embroiderama]

Aw, Peter. This really is such an awful situation for him, and you showed that so clearly here.

[aragarna.livejournal.com]

Thanks! :-)

[caseyf123.livejournal.com]

Well crafted and beautifully written. Thank you.

[aragarna.livejournal.com]

Thank you! :-)

[aelfgyfu_mead]

Thank you. I felt so sad for Peter: there's no good move by the end of the episode. Nothing he does can ever be fully right. It's not his fault, but he has to live with whatever he does—and with what everyone else has already done.

I feel bad for Neal, too, but mostly for Peter and Elizabeth.

[aragarna.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. :-)
Exactly. And the worse thing is that everyone (Neal, El) is just expecting him to let it go. They don't really see how hurt he is (well, El will, probably, but I wish Neal would understand too) They really need to talk, but that's not really their forte...

[pooh-collector.livejournal.com]

Poor Peter. You've expressed what I too think he's feeling here perfectly.

I do so hope that canon Peter comes to the same conclusions that your story's Peter comes to. Either way, it won't be easy for him.

Thanks for sharing!

[aragarna.livejournal.com]

Thank you :-)
I think canon Peter already came to the same conclusions. He made a compromise, asked the judge to resigned and he won't pursue Neal. Now the question that remains is how are they going to be, on a personal level.

[daria234.livejournal.com]

Beautifully done. I love Peter here willing to delve into really hard questions. Love this line too:

They’re too close, and it’s becoming toxic to the both of them. They’re dragging each other down.

[aragarna.livejournal.com]

Thank you!
This is a very complicated situation that raises lots of complex issues regarding Peter and Neal's friendship.

[govgal.livejournal.com]

It's a horrible situation to be in...very touching!

[aragarna.livejournal.com]

Thank you! :-)

[treonb.livejournal.com]

I love your pov on Peter here. Poor Peter, taking all the responsibility on himself.

[aragarna.livejournal.com]

Thanks :-)

[love-82.livejournal.com]

This was wonderful! Such a great look at Peter's thoughts and feelings leading up to his decision at the end of the episode. Poor Peter. Poor everyone. It is just a horrible situation.

I liked the line about James. This whole thing got set in motion because Neal just wanted to get to know his father.

Also liked these lines:

How can you cuff someone for caring too much about you?

They’re too close, and it’s becoming toxic to the both of them. They’re dragging each other down.

Thanks for sharing.

[aragarna.livejournal.com]

Thank you! :-)

[pipilj.livejournal.com]

Wow you have surpassed yourself. This was beautiful.

[aragarna.livejournal.com]

Aww thank you! :-)

[joy2190.livejournal.com]

Oh my goodness, this EXACTLY how I feel about what happened. You write Peter/El so beautifully, whatever the situation, but this fic really heals my heart over all that has gone on this season. Thank you!

[aragarna.livejournal.com]

awww thank you! I'm really glad my fic did you some good. (It did do some good to me too, writing it.)