[Fanfiction] Who Will Fix My Broken Heart?

[aragarna]

Title: Who Will Fix My Broken Heart?
Author: Aragarna
Genre, rating: gen, emotional H/C, angst, episode tag, g.
Characters: Peter, Elizabeth (canon Peter/El)
Spoilers: 5x09
Words: ~ 1000
Summary: Tag to episode 5x09. What does this say about me if I let this go? It says that you’re a man who stays and fixes what’s broken.
Author's Note: Not exactly Christmas fluff... Not my fault if the show's timing is so bad. I'm supposed to be working on my fandom stockings, but I had to write this. Happy end of year and whatever you're celebrating! :-)

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Who Will Fix my Broken Heart?

What does this say about me if I let this go?
It says that you’re a man who stays and fixes what’s broken.

I need to be able to live with myself.

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Peter lets the hot water run down his body, as if it could wash all the dirt inside him. He feels stained, and all the water of the world would never be enough to make him clean again. He is a fraud, cleared by fake evidence and a corrupted judge paid by the loot of a theft. His last case as a field agent. I did it for you! Why should we lose everything? Thoughts and words are tumbling out in his mind, and Peter feels lost. He doesn’t know what to do, can’t find any way out. There is no way to make it right.

Peter swallows the lump in his throat. He had so much wanted to believe Neal had done things right, that he had been a good influence on the young man, that he was showing him the path to the right side of the law. I made sure Justice was served. Of course, Neal meant well, there was no doubt, but at the same time, it was so wrong. You don’t serve Justice by corrupting its system.

Peter is terrified. Terrified of what this means, what he has become.
If he accepts the deal, he is no better than any of those criminals he takes so much pride of arresting. A dirty cop, that’s what he is now.
But if he exposes everything, there’s little doubt Peter’s trial would go against him. Who would believe in his innocence after this? He’ll go down with Dawson, with a clear conscience as a federal agent, but a hell of a guilty one as a husband. Elizabeth doesn’t deserve any of this, especially after everything they have already been through because of him.

Of course, Neal would go down too. And with the added Welsh gold theft and the bribery, it would be for a long, long time. Peter had been this close to arrest him. He had taken his handcuffs out, the teeth feeling hard and sharp against his thumb. But despite the proven crimes, despite the betrayal Peter has felt hearing Neal’s guilty confession, he couldn’t do it. Neal had simply held his hands out, resigned, wounded. I’ll do the time. How can you cuff someone for caring too much about you?
If someone had to go down for all this, it should be James, not Neal. He shouldn’t have to pay for the sins of his father.

Peter sighs. It hurts too much to think about Neal. He used to believe in the beauty of their friendship. Gotham City’s famous cop and robber, Kramer had called them, and Peter had taken pride in these words… He doesn’t know what to think of it anymore. They’re too close, and it’s becoming toxic to the both of them. They’re dragging each other down. Maybe, for their own sake, they should take their distance. Peter knows that it would be the right thing to do, even though he doesn’t want to. He’s scared that Neal would never forgive him.

He’s failed. He’s failed everyone, and everything. Neal, Elizabeth, the System, his own principles. How did they all end there? Peter doesn’t know how to fix it, make things right.  One way or another, someone will have to pay, and it can’t be Elizabeth, or Neal. He’ll do what he has to do. Protect them.

Finally, Peter turns the water off, and gets out of the shower. He quickly dries his body and hair and slides in a clean t-shirt and pajama bottom. His heart hurts, broken, in his chest.

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In the bedroom, all the lights are switched off. Elizabeth is already in bed, nestled under the cover on her side of the bed, her back turned on him. Peter tiptoes in the relative darkness and slides under the sheets. He reaches out to El, wrapping an arm around her waist, but she pushes him away and moves closer to the edge of the bed.

What remains of Peter’s heart shatters into pieces and he can’t suppress a noisy sob as he tugs his face in his pillow. A sudden flow of tears runs down his face to the pillow and his body is shaken by irrepressible sobs. He feels El turning around in the bed and her hand strokes the back of his hair, her thumb softly brushing his ear. Looking up, Peter sees the distress in her shinny eyes. He bits his lips and takes a few forced breathes to regain some control over his tears.

“I’m sorry, hon,” he finally manages to say in a shaky whisper.

Tears are now falling down El’s eyes too, which only makes Peter more miserable. Elizabeth’s pain is something he will never be able to bear.  He reads in her eyes concern for his own pain. As she breaths heavily, he knows she’s about to concede a point to make him feel better. Gently, Peter brushes her tears off her cheeks and puts a finger on her lips before she can talk.

“I’m sorry,” he repeats softly. “I said I needed to be able to live with myself. The truth is, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I’d do anything that would hurt you. I’m sorry I wasn’t listening to you. I’m just… lost. Scared. I feel like I’m losing myself. But you’re more important to me than anything else in the world.”

Elizabeth pulls herself closer and buries her face in his chest.

“I need you, Peter,” she says in a breath. “I can’t lose you, I can’t…”

Peter puts his arm around her. “I’ll find a solution, I promise. I’ll protect you, us. I’m not going anywhere. We will never be separated ever again.” He hugs her a little tighter in his embrace. “I love you.”

Elizabeth looks up at him, her eyes are still wet, but the tears have stopped. A small reassured smile appears on her lips. She kisses him softly before burying her head back in his shoulder. They remain still, arms and legs entangled, as their breaths gradually even out. Elizabeth continues to caress the small of his neck as Peter gently rubs her back.

“You are a good man with a beautiful heart, Peter Burke,” Elizabeth murmurs. “Don’t ever forget that.”

FIN.