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aragarna
Title: Something You Don't Want to HearAuthor: Aragarna
Genre, rating: gen, angst, episode tag, general audience.
Characters: Neal
Spoilers: 5x01
words: ~700
Summary: Neal reflects on what Peter just told him.
Author's Notes: Many thanks to
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kanarek13 reassuring me that it was making sense. I had a hard time writing down what I had in mind...This is the companion piece to It's Hard to Explain. They can be read separately or together, and order doesn't matter.
Title is again from Kavinsky's song Nightcall, from the soundtrack of the movie Drive.
__________________________
Something You Don’t Want to Hear
It feels like he’s falling in a bottomless well. He’s spiralling down a dark hole and there’s nothing to grab, nobody to catch him.
Not even Peter, apparently.
It hurts. Everything hurts. And it’s too much to handle for one single man.
Neal stares at the door that closed on Peter, a phantom image of him shooting one last friendly smile persisting on Neal’s retina.
And that damn smile just makes it even worse. Peter still wants to be Neal’s friend, but he doesn’t want to deal with the criminal. Except Neal doesn’t know how to stop being a criminal. He’s tried, really hard, but it wasn’t enough. He had to go back to the other side. He didn’t have a choice.
You’re also a criminal. Yes, he is. And that is exactly what saved Peter, his life, his job. It’s probably what saved Elizabeth too. There was no other way. This was their only option. Neal wants to explain it all to Peter. Maybe he should run after him. Tell him everything. He did it all for him, because for Neal, that’s how justice prevailed. Peter is free and unscathed, and he is still wearing his badge.
But of course, he can’t tell Peter. He needs to protect him for the truth, because the truth would wound him too much, and Neal isn’t sure if Peter could handle it. The system failed him, the FBI failed him. They couldn’t prove his innocence, and he would have lost his job, his freedom, his identity. So Neal took the matter in his hands, the only way he knows: from the other side. Peter has no idea how much he is right. Neal is a criminal, and he is damn good at it.
Neal refrains himself from throwing his fist through the unfinished painting standing neglected on the easel. He grabs the brush and twists it until it breaks in two between his hands. It was all for Peter if he broke the law – and sold his soul to a person he despises – and now Peter rejects him? That is so unfair. Neal doesn’t deserve this. He did the right thing, the only thing. It feels like a betrayal, and it’s painful.
You’re also a criminal. He falls back on his chair. He faces his easel, but he doesn’t see it. There’s that alarming thought at the back of his head. Neal tries to ignore it – it’s easier just to be angry – but it’s persistent. Peter wouldn’t say such things without a reason. There has to be a reason. An electric shiver ran down Neal’s spine. Peter knows. Probably not everything, but he is already connecting the dots, and it’s just a matter of time before he uncovers the whole truth.
Neal twiddles his anklet with his opposite foot. The new device itches. It is going to need some time for it to soften to his skin.
He lets go a bitter laugh. Of course, Peter knows. The fire at the fire station, Neal’s tracking data staying still right at the time of the heist. They’ve been working on the same side for so long, Neal had almost forgotten how annoying it could be that Peter was so smart and quick thinking.
But then, what does this mean? Neal feels a pain weighting on his chest. Peter has figures it out: Neal stole the golden coins and hacked his anklet. And all Peter did was come here, at 10:30 pm, to tell him he’s a criminal and… leave?
He didn’t even ask.
Neal’s anger suddenly breaks and vanishes as he is overwhelmed by a wave of melancholy. There was a time where Peter would have burst in, enraged. He would have pointed an accusatory finger at Neal. You did this, he would have roared.
But that was a long time ago.
Now, Peter doesn’t want to chase Neal anymore. He doesn’t want to know his friend is a criminal. I can’t risk you going back, he said. You’re part of that family.
Neal will just have to be very careful not to be caught, then.
FIN.
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no subject
Date: 2013-11-21 01:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-11-21 02:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-11-21 01:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-11-21 02:16 pm (UTC)Neal is impulse, and so are his feelings. He doesn't always look at the whole picture, but he is also very bad at hold grudges. We saw it in season 4, all he needs is Peter saying something nice and it's over. :-)
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Date: 2013-11-21 01:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-11-21 02:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-11-21 02:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-11-21 02:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-11-21 02:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-11-21 03:04 pm (UTC)I don't know if I would say it was "harsh". Peter certainly didn't mean to. I think Peter was hurt just as much as Neal. And it's probably a direct consequence of all he's been through, prison and all. I actually find it heartbreaking that Peter is doubting himself and doesn't feel like he has the strength to deal with Neal's crimes right now.
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Date: 2013-11-21 03:42 pm (UTC)I think this is my favourite part - There was a time where Peter would have burst in, enraged. He would have pointed an accusatory finger at Neal. You did this, he would have roared.
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Date: 2013-11-21 04:01 pm (UTC)Nobody noticed it, but there's been such a great evolution of Peter's reactions to Neal's crimes and that scene was a big proof of it.
In season one, Peter sent Neal back to jail (when he thought Neal had stolen the pink diamond). In season 2 and 3 (Music Box and Treasure), he was mega angry. In season 4, he was still a little upset, but lectured Neal and let it go.
And here, it was totally different. In the scene with El, he isn't upset, he directly jumps to the "why". And then he goes to see Neal, tells him honestly he can't do it anymore, just switched the anklet and that's it.
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Date: 2013-11-21 04:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-11-21 06:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-11-21 06:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-11-21 07:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-11-21 07:59 pm (UTC)I'm very curious to see how they'll resolve it too!
Something You Don't Want To Hear
Date: 2013-11-21 07:54 pm (UTC)Re: Something You Don't Want To Hear
Date: 2013-11-21 08:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-11-21 09:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-11-21 09:28 pm (UTC)I hope so! And I also hope that Peter will understand too, what Neal did for him, because that might help him in the end.
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Date: 2013-11-22 06:25 am (UTC)Neal will just have to be very careful not to be caught, then.
Summed it up beautifully. Hugs both the guys.
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Date: 2013-11-22 06:51 am (UTC)I like that twisted perspective that as long as Peter doesn't know, Peter won't get hurt.
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Date: 2013-11-22 05:56 pm (UTC)I agree Peter feels something and doesn't want to know.....
I wish he knew what Neal did to save him.
Neal is with the evil...just to keep Peter safe.
As for Peter's evolution versus Neal in the five seasons...yes, Peter is less and less angry when Neal bends the law.
I see it more like Peter evolving towards Neal, in a way. Peter's way of life, going by the book, clearly impresses Neal and there are a lot of moments when Neal wants to be like Peter....until he does something impulsive ( usually it's to save someone he loves).
On the other hand, I think Peter is also impressed by Neal the con man. Sometimes, Peter realizes going by the book doesn't work....and that Neal's way of dealing with things is sometimes the best (and only) way. I think the show is all about that dynamic.
it's all about what they said at the FBI conference " even when we're not sure about what the other one is doing...we still have faith in one another"
I still would like them to have a heart to heart conversation nevertheless...for my own sanity.
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Date: 2013-11-23 09:11 am (UTC)I'm pretty sure the truth will come out at some point. Makes me anxious but looking forward to it at the same time.
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Date: 2013-11-24 10:34 pm (UTC)"He doesn’t want to know his friend is a criminal" loved this line, feels right.
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Date: 2013-11-25 09:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-11-25 05:52 am (UTC)Thanks for sharing!
♥
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Date: 2013-11-25 09:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-12-27 08:22 pm (UTC)This and its companion piece are really great.
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Date: 2013-12-27 09:44 pm (UTC)And it's even more heartbreaking now...