aragarna | [Ficlet] Something You Don't Want to Hear (Reply)

Title: Something You Don't Want to Hear
Author: Aragarna
Genre, rating: gen, angst, episode tag, general audience.
Characters: Neal
Spoilers: 5x01
words: ~700
Summary: Neal reflects on what Peter just told him.
Author's Notes: Many thanks to

kanarek13 reassuring me that it was making sense. I had a hard time writing down what I had in mind...
This is the companion piece to It's Hard to Explain. They can be read separately or together, and order doesn't matter.
Title is again from Kavinsky's song Nightcall, from the soundtrack of the movie Drive.

__________________________

Something You Don’t Want to Hear

It feels like he’s falling in a bottomless well. He’s spiralling down a dark hole and there’s nothing to grab, nobody to catch him.

Not even Peter, apparently.

It hurts. Everything hurts. And it’s too much to handle for one single man.

Neal stares at the door that closed on Peter, a phantom image of him shooting one last friendly smile persisting on Neal’s retina.

And that damn smile just makes it even worse. Peter still wants to be Neal’s friend, but he doesn’t want to deal with the criminal. Except Neal doesn’t know how to stop being a criminal. He’s tried, really hard, but it wasn’t enough. He had to go back to the other side. He didn’t have a choice.

You’re also a criminal. Yes, he is. And that is exactly what saved Peter, his life, his job. It’s probably what saved Elizabeth too. There was no other way. This was their only option. Neal wants to explain it all to Peter. Maybe he should run after him. Tell him everything. He did it all for him, because for Neal, that’s how justice prevailed. Peter is free and unscathed, and he is still wearing his badge.

But of course, he can’t tell Peter. He needs to protect him for the truth, because the truth would wound him too much, and Neal isn’t sure if Peter could handle it. The system failed him, the FBI failed him. They couldn’t prove his innocence, and he would have lost his job, his freedom, his identity. So Neal took the matter in his hands, the only way he knows: from the other side. Peter has no idea how much he is right. Neal is a criminal, and he is damn good at it.

Neal refrains himself from throwing his fist through the unfinished painting standing neglected on the easel. He grabs the brush and twists it until it breaks in two between his hands. It was all for Peter if he broke the law – and sold his soul to a person he despises – and now Peter rejects him? That is so unfair. Neal doesn’t deserve this. He did the right thing, the only thing. It feels like a betrayal, and it’s painful.

You’re also a criminal. He falls back on his chair. He faces his easel, but he doesn’t see it. There’s that alarming thought at the back of his head. Neal tries to ignore it – it’s easier just to be angry – but it’s persistent. Peter wouldn’t say such things without a reason. There has to be a reason. An electric shiver ran down Neal’s spine. Peter knows. Probably not everything, but he is already connecting the dots, and it’s just a matter of time before he uncovers the whole truth.

Neal twiddles his anklet with his opposite foot. The new device itches. It is going to need some time for it to soften to his skin.

He lets go a bitter laugh. Of course, Peter knows. The fire at the fire station, Neal’s tracking data staying still right at the time of the heist. They’ve been working on the same side for so long, Neal had almost forgotten how annoying it could be that Peter was so smart and quick thinking.

But then, what does this mean? Neal feels a pain weighting on his chest. Peter has figures it out: Neal stole the golden coins and hacked his anklet. And all Peter did was come here, at 10:30 pm, to tell him he’s a criminal and… leave?

He didn’t even ask.

Neal’s anger suddenly breaks and vanishes as he is overwhelmed by a wave of melancholy. There was a time where Peter would have burst in, enraged. He would have pointed an accusatory finger at Neal. You did this, he would have roared.

But that was a long time ago.

Now, Peter doesn’t want to chase Neal anymore. He doesn’t want to know his friend is a criminal. I can’t risk you going back, he said. You’re part of that family.

Neal will just have to be very careful not to be caught, then.

FIN.