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aragarna
Title: It's Hard to ExplainAuthor: Aragarna
Genre, rating: gen, angst, episode tag, general audience.
Character: Peter
Spoiler: 5x01
Words: ~800
Summary: Peter reflects on what he's just told Neal.
Author's Note: Many thanks to
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif){kind=small}
kanarek13 for the reassurance that it didn't suck.Title is from Kavinsky's song Nightcall, from the soundtrack of the movie Drive. Listen to it while reading.
__________________
It's Hard to Explain
Peter hates himself. Neal’s hurt face haunts him all the way down the 3 flights of stairs of June’s house. He can still hear the bitter tone of his friend ringing to his ears. A criminal, Neal had repeated. Neal, the friend who just had gotten him out of jail. Peter can’t help feeling that he’s given up on Neal.
Peter gets in his car but doesn’t start the engine. He is that close to run back to Neal’s apartment, explain himself, say he is sorry.
Except there’s his giant Caffrey-detector flickering its bright red light at the back of his head. And for once, just for that one time, Peter wished he had a switch to turn it off. But he doesn’t know how to stop it. His mind keeps replaying their visit to the firehouse. Neal spent an awful long time looking for that blanket, and precisely in the room where they found the empty tank. Not to mention that convenient distraction created by the stove fire, which started precisely when Peter left Neal alone to make the phone call. Add to this Neal’s tracking data, staying uncharacteristically still just at the time of the gold coin heist…
Peter sighs and slowly pushes the ignition button of his brand new car. Cars don’t even have keys anymore these days. Peter doesn’t really like this BMW. It doesn’t look like him. It’s too flashy to be the car of a Federal Agent. He misses his good old Taurus. He misses the good old times where things were simpler, easier.
Peter tries to block the conclusion his brain is formulating. He knows exactly where this is leading and he doesn’t want to think about it. Not just yet, not so soon, or ever. He’s been there before, and it was painful enough that first time. He doesn’t want to investigate his friend. He doesn’t want to see Neal as a suspect. Hell, he doesn’t want to see Neal as a criminal. He doesn’t want Neal to go back in jail. And more than that, he doesn’t want to put Neal back in jail. Catching Neal isn’t fun anymore. 2-0 is a nice score. Let’s call it a game. Peter is tired. He doesn’t want to play anymore. All he wants is do his job, catch real criminals, without fearing his world to collapse on him at any moment.
It’s late, and the streets are mostly empty. He grips the wheel so tight that his knuckles are white. Why did he have to take that one case, of all the cases piling on his desk? Peter lets go a bitter snort. Why? Because he thought Neal would like that one. It was a clean job, obviously thought through, a perfectly executed smash-and-grab. And now that case would become their worst nightmare…
As the new ASAC, he won’t be in charge of the investigations anymore. He might have to explain a drop in the closure rate, but maybe, if he recruited a not so bright Agent, and knowing Neal’s care for spotless crime scenes, the gold coin thief would never be found… 2-1 might not be that bad. Peter smiles, but his heart is heavy.
He feels suddenly exhausted. The euphoria of his restored freedom and the relief of seeing his life resuming its normal course are fading away and the extreme tension of the past six weeks are finally catching up on him. His body demands rest, his mind needs peace.
As he drives back to Brooklyn, Peter knows peace won’t come to his mind until he’s figured it all out. He tries to distract his mind from the case, tries to think about his new job, his new life, a new start for him and Elizabeth. But at the back of his head, one question keeps nagging at him: why? Why Neal would do that?
It was not even a particularly high stake, nor a truly worthy challenge in Caffrey standards. So why? There has to be a reason. Neal always has a good reason to get himself in troubles. Was he covering someone? Protecting someone? That would be just like Neal Caffrey to risk a smash-and-grab to help a friend. Peter makes the mental note to check the whereabouts of the usual suspects first thing in the morning. Maybe Alex is back in town… Maybe one of Neal’s associates got into big troubles and Neal…
Peter slams on the brakes and the car stops short, in front of his house. Protecting someone. Yes, that would be exactly like Neal. Peter didn’t ask how he convinced his father to give his testimony, and Neal didn’t elaborate.
He suddenly feels lightheaded. Peter bends over to rest his head on his hands, still holding the wheel, and closes his eyes. His heart his burning inside his chest.
“Neal, what did you do?”
FIN.
Tags:
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no subject
Date: 2013-10-24 06:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-24 06:27 pm (UTC)lol I'm not sure I would be a good writer, I would never let anything bad happening to Peter ! LOL
Not sure what they'll do with that unsolved case, but I trust the writers to come up with interesting things. :-)
no subject
Date: 2013-10-24 06:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-24 06:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-24 06:41 pm (UTC)We know that Peter's smart (and I think smarter than Neal) - it just takes him a little while to wrap his brain around what Neal's done and why.
It's a brilliant episode tag and I'm so glad you wrote it.
no subject
Date: 2013-10-24 06:54 pm (UTC)Well, I would say that *usually* Peter has more perspective than Neal...
no subject
Date: 2013-10-24 07:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-24 07:07 pm (UTC)*hugs Peter hard*
no subject
Date: 2013-10-24 07:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-24 07:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-24 07:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-24 07:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-24 07:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-24 07:57 pm (UTC)But don't be too hard on them if they find a more convoluted way to solve they mess they created. ;-)
no subject
Date: 2013-10-24 08:56 pm (UTC)I'm glad, too, that you alluded to the fact that Peter felt bad about what he said. I got that impression during the episode as well, that saying those things to Neal was heart-wrenching for Peter.
no subject
Date: 2013-10-24 09:02 pm (UTC)Not sure the show will go for such a quick solution.
And yes, Peter was obviously feeling like shit. At the beginning, he could barely look at Neal. He even took a beer in the fridge and put it back without opening it. ;-)
no subject
Date: 2013-10-24 09:13 pm (UTC)Thank you.
no subject
Date: 2013-10-24 09:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-24 09:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-25 08:45 am (UTC)That was meant as a one shot, but depending on how the show goes, I might explore a few other things. I want to make a Peter/El piece too.
no subject
Date: 2013-10-24 10:19 pm (UTC)This was amazing and thanks for sharing! :)
no subject
Date: 2013-10-25 08:50 am (UTC)Peter definitely knows Neal is involved in the coin heist. I don't know if it's going to come back at some point on the show, or they simply dropped the case... There's actually so many facets to the new situation, they might focus mainly on Hagen and don't bother mentionning that they didn't solve that case...
On the other hand, it looks like Hagen wants Neal on a crime spree, so it might end as a list of crimes, this one being one of sevral.
And given what the new handler said about his own CI in Chicago, it seems like Peter will have to face a choice at some point...
no subject
Date: 2013-10-25 12:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-25 08:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-25 01:59 am (UTC)I'm also glad to see that Peter's not the bad guy in this. Peter's in an impossible position: he knows what Neal did. He doesn't have proof, but he doesn't want to have proof. He wants to know why.
no subject
Date: 2013-10-25 08:55 am (UTC)You can't expect Peter coming out of prison after dodging a scary bullet and then say "hey let's do it all again!"
But despite all their possible frictions, the bottom line for Peter will always be that he doesn't want to put Neal back in prison.
no subject
Date: 2013-10-25 02:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-25 08:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-25 07:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-25 08:59 am (UTC)Yes, this is going to be hard for him to accept... Also hard for Neal to admit... They'll sure need hugs...
no subject
Date: 2013-10-26 09:36 pm (UTC)I just want to hug both of them here. Beautiful.
no subject
Date: 2013-10-26 09:37 pm (UTC)Yes, I feel like hugs will be much needed on both side...
no subject
Date: 2013-10-27 11:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-27 11:20 am (UTC)You're right, there were lots of things going on off-screen. Probably lots of talks between Peter and El too.
Totally love the new season so far. :-) I even love the new guy !
no subject
Date: 2013-10-27 11:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-27 01:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-30 07:33 am (UTC)But, this was a perfect episode tag and character POV.
I really like the way Peter analyzed the situation and realized, HE was the on Neal had sacrificed himself for. Poor Neal, go apologize Peter !
no subject
Date: 2013-10-30 09:48 am (UTC)Bottom line is, Peter doesn't actually blame Neal for being a criminal. Neal IS a criminal, that's a fact. And Neal knows it.
But Peter doesn't want to risk losing everything again. He almost died and he almost went to jail for life. He's scared, and he is doubting himself.
He has to change something. At least try.
Peter isn't a bad guy. We all know he'd do everything for Neal. He still loves him. But Peter is also responsible for both their safety. This is his way to protect themselves from doing stupid things again. Like Neal has his own way to protect Peter (by breaking the law and keeping Peter out of it).
no subject
Date: 2013-10-30 06:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-30 06:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-11-13 05:49 am (UTC)Just what we need after this epi, which I have to admit was difficult for me ( especially the end scene).
As I said in other ljs ( china's and elr's) I think Neal was devastated by Peter calling him a criminal. I don't think Neal was seeing himself a criminal at that point of his life, especially after what he did to save Peter...
As for Peter , he is distancing himself from Neal and it's clearly killing him.
I think a lot of this has to do with El...she wants some distance between P/N because she is afraid for her husband.
no subject
Date: 2013-11-13 09:23 am (UTC)